Sunday, June 21, 2009

Warning - Intense Melodrama Ahead

Just a heads up...this is not a teacher post, this is an emotional, crazy single woman rant that is the result of an emotionally exhausting weekend. There are no comments enabled, because this is just me needing to let it all out and trust me, I've heard it ALL before - repeatedly. You don't have to read it, I just have to say it.

This weekend I went to a wedding of a good friend of mine. I have known this guy since he wore diapers and lived about a mile away from my house when I was growing up. His sister and I were good friends for a long time and while I didn't really know him well while we were growing up, we ended up teaching at the same school 2000 miles away and became good friends over the last few years.

There has never been any kind of emotional or physical relationship between us, we were just good friends, more like siblings than anything else.

He got married this weekend, and while I had originally intended to go, I was debating not going home, since I have to teach one more half day of school tomorrow (that is a different rant, for a different day), but he called me a couple of weeks ago and asked specifically if I was going to be there and made me promise to come see him before I left, no matter what else was going on.

So I went. I got up early, drove home, got changed, and went to this wedding.

And then....I had a mental breakdown. I don't know why this wedding bothered me so much. The bride was lovely, and although I don't know her at all, she seems very nice and the perfect mate for N. But all throughout the ceremony I had to physically hang on to the bench to keep from bolting out of there like I was on fire. I was happy for him, I really was, but I have never felt as alone as I did attending this wedding.

The bride's father made a little speech when he gave her away, and in it he said to her "I know you thought this day would never come," and I nearly came out of my seat with the physical reaction to that. This girl is like 26 years old - how is 26 years an eternity? Then this man, this man giving away his daughter to another man, said something that stabbed me through the heart. He said, "As N and A exchange their vows, take the hand of your spouse and reaffirm your vows as well," and it was like a giant spotlight hit me squarely, illuminating me as the lone single person in a room full of happy people who have found the person who makes them happy.

I hate feeling like this. I really am happy for N and I am happy for my other friends who get married, and in fact, most of the time, I truly believe that I am okay with being single. I know a lot of couples who have marriage problems, including people I am close to, and the thought of making the mistake of choosing the wrong person scares me a lot. But apparently, I am not ok with being single. Weddings like this force me to realize that I am not happy being single. And that bothers me.

I want to be okay with being single. I don't want to be unhappy and negatively emotional when someone I care about and love finds someone that makes them happy. I don't want to dread weddings.

I was talking to a friend about this whole incident and she said she feels the same way when someone shows off their engagement ring. She has to physically restrain herself from leaving the room and breaking into tears. Another friend has the same reaction when someone tells her they are pregnant.

I don't know how to make myself ok with this. But for now...I'm working on it.

If you've read this far, please, please do not email me or talk to me about this. Trust me, I've heard whatever you are going to say and while I love you for wanting to help, I just want to put this behind me and move on.